It has been no secret to anyone that I want change in my life. I want a new career, and I want to move out of Birmingham. Our dreams were slashed to pieces when we found out that B's employer wasn't going to go through with the promotion. It felt like our entire world shifted when we found out. We begrudgingly took our house off the market, knowing that there was no possible move in sight. We wanted nothing but to move to Austin, and now it seems that dream is even blurrier than before.
And again, my ambitions were put on hold. I have forever wanted to be hair stylist. It's just what I've wanted to do. If I couldn't be a famous author or be a sports commentator, then I wanted to make people pretty. And obviously the famous author part is not happening. I can barely write a blog that people want to visit, and the sports commentator thing? My anxiety with work just escalates every day. The expectations and pressure make it even harder to enjoy my job. And if you've ever dealt with any sort of truck driver, you know that it is no picnic. It's difficult and discouraging most of the time.
His promotion was going to allow for me to start to follow my dream. Yes, I know that I went to a four-year college. I get that it may have been an entire waste of time. I graduated. With honors. But seven years later (holy crap), I am still not doing anything with the degree I earned. And I'm still not happy with where I am in my career. And it's nothing but heart break and frustration. I get that it's a job, and it's not supposed to be fun, but when does the absolute dreading of every day end?
That black board with all the restaurants that we wanted to try in Birmingham before moving to Austin? It's still not erased. I can't bring myself to do it. I don't want to think that Austin is just a fantasy. This is the first time I've allowed myself to be openly sad about it. I love my little family here I've made; I love my husband and I love spending time with him, and of course I love my mess of a dog. I feel selfish most of the time for being so unhappy, but it's not something that you can just push away.
Sorry I had to get so real for a minute. That's a whole bunch of stuff that just needed to come out.
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